To describe depression or anxiety to someone who has never experienced it first hand is utterly impossible.
There are no accurate words to explain these feelings. I’ve battled with depression and anxiety disorders for the better portion of the past 12 years. At times I was incapacitated by these disorders and could barely function in the world. There were periods where I was so medicated I was no longer me anymore, but a zombified version of who I used to be.
I haven’t taken medication for about 5 years now. It got t the point where I was unrecognizable and I didn’t want that. I decided it was time to take charge and figure out a way to battle this on my own, without drugs. It hasn’t always been easy, and it’s something I struggle with most days, but I’ve learned my triggers and I’ve learned how to cope and catch these episodes before they happen. My best coping mechanism? Going to the gym. It truly has changed my life, not only physically but it has been so beneficial to my mental health as well.
I’ve recently felt myself spiraling into a state I haven’t been in for a long time. While explaining to my ever loving and caring boyfriend that I was struggling with a depressive episode and to be patient with me while I dealt with it, he asked me to explain what I was feeling. He wanted to be able to understand what I was going through.. “I can’t.” I responded, because I truly don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. This got me thinking. How can I expect him to be patient and understanding of my situation, if he has no idea what I’m going through and I can’t even give him the slightest idea?
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On the outside it may seem like everything is great. I smile and laugh. I muddle through work, school and social activities. I function seemingly well. Inside it feels as if there is a dragon living. The dragon couldn’t care less about anything, and wants to just spew fire at anyone who crosses her path. She is angry, but has no idea why other than the fact that she’s a dragon and that is how she should feel. She tries be happy, tries to control her fiery breath, but no matter what she does, she cannot change the way she feels. She feels helpless, because no matter what she does, what she tries she can’t change who she is. She can’t function the way society needs her to. She can’t please those she wants to please, including herself. No matter what she does it just doesn’t seem to be enough, more and more things pile up, things go wrong. It’s as if the dragon is trying to climb out of the abyss she resides in, but the walls are slippery. Each time she makes any sort of progress she slides right back down. Getting close, but never quite making it out. She hurts inside, because nobody can quite grasp what she is going through. They say it will be okay, and to keep trying because it will be worth it, but they don’t understand the pain and hardship she is going through. She wants to quit. There is no purpose in trying. She isn’t making any progress, the pain is getting to be too much. It doesn’t seem worth it. It constantly feels like her chest is going to explode. She is hesitant to do anything or talk to anyone because the smallest thing will trigger a flood of tears for no apparent reason. She wants to be left alone, but yet she’s terrified of being alone and needs contact from other dragons to keep her feeling “human”- well dragon. At the same time all of these emotions are adding up she is so empty, she can’t muscle up the strength to care about anything anymore. Things just don’t matter. She finds herself staring into space blankly. Just physically being in the moment, but she’s mentally checked out. But then she gets nervous. Things need to go smoothly. They need to operate in a certain manner, and she’s the only one that can make sure this happens, if she doesn’t get out of the abyss then bad things will happen. Her heart is racing, her mind is conflicted, leaping from thought to thought. She needs to get her life together. She needs to get out of the abyss, stop being down and move forward. It shouldn’t be hard. She just has to change the way she thinks, be positive, do positive things. But it is hard. It’s harder than anything she’s ever done. If she can’t control her own thoughts and feelings, how can she achieve anything? Fear sets in. A terrifying, bone chilling fear. If she doesn’t fix her mind, fix her moods she’s going to lose everything and everyone that means anything. She’s going to self-sabotage and ruin her own life, over something she SHOULD be able to control. This cycle continues day in and day out.
So I suppose, depression and anxiety, at least for me, is a lot like being this dragon. Or at least having the dragon live inside of me, her emotions emitting through me. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's nothing you should have to hide . It happens, and it's not always within your control. Although people who have never experienced it may not fully understand, most who care will at least try. It's okay to talk about it, to own it. The more you can own it the more you will have control over it.
