Mind over Matter

                I’m going to apologize in advance for the potential ramblings that may occur in the following paragraphs.  I essentially have two ways to release my stress, one is writing. The other is going to the gym, which has recently become a part of my frustration. Therefore, I suppose I’ll write about it.  

                For the past few months I have been dealing with crippling headaches, that have made it very difficult for me to function on a daily basis. I almost constantly feel like my skull is going to crack open and my brains are going to gush all over the room. I’ll spare you the gritty details. After several months of painful headaches, numbness and tingling in face, random drooping of my right eye, and persistent urging by friends I decided to visit my doctor. In December it was determined that I have what it called a Chiari Malformation. Essentially my cerebellum is protruding down into my spinal canal, which causes pressure in my brain and can cause issues with the flow of the cerebrospinal fluid. Science stuff.  I’m currently waiting to go visit the neurosurgeon in March to see what our next steps our going to be, the way it looks surgery is going the be the course of action.

Here is a "normal" Brain.

These are 2 images of my brain. Sweet, right?  As you can see my cerebellum hangs different than in the "normal" picture above.

   

       As you all know the gym is kind of where I spend most of my days. It’s where I get out my frustrations, like when my life feels out of control, or that I have a medical condition and I am stressed about managing it, and time, and medical bills, and well I think you get the picture. I get stressed I run. Easy. Except now when I run I have been feeling like the base of my head is literally on fire, flames shooting out of my skull on fire.  I imagine if the feeling were actually a visual it would be very Hunger Games like, but luckily Katniss never got burned by her outfits. A typical workout for me would be starting my routine with a 1-2 mile run, no

problem.  In the last few weeks, if I’ve even made it to the gym (this hurts me so much inside I can’t even explain), a mile is a struggle. I find myself choking back the tears, because I know that this shouldn’t be hard. I know that I should be able to do this. The two other things I love about working out are Barre and lifting. I have had to cut down a great deal on my upper body lifting due to the strain creates. I’ve basically lowered all of my weights significantly and had to cut out entire routines.  The past few weeks my balance has been really off, which is a challenge for barre and I’ve been finding myself more and more light headed with certain movements. 

                I just feel like I have taken 20 steps backwards and it hurts so deep inside. I was finally at a place physically where I felt comfortable. I know I will never be the most athletic or fit person at the gym. That’s okay. I was finally content with where I was at and ready to push myself even further. So to feel like I’m basically back to square one is crushing.  There are days I don’t want to go to the gym because I know I’m going to be in pain for the rest of the day, and not the good kind of gym pain that I thrive on. That literally eats at my soul.  I have to decide if going to the gym one day is going to be worth not being able to work the rest of that day, some days it is. Some days it’s not because instead of getting that mental high from it, I end up more mentally torn down that if I’d just stayed home.

                I suppose it’s about finding balance. Listening to my body when it tells me it’s too much. Not letting my negative thoughts take over when I can’t do what I could.  I’ll be trying new routines in the coming weeks to see what works, and what doesn’t, maybe I’ll find something else I can love that doesn’t make me so miserable right now. I’ll be back to where I was. I know that much for sure. I guess this is just a test of my motivation and my dedication.  Bring it on life.

Anti-Depressant Medication Side Effects Include: possible weight loss, increased happiness, reduced stress, muscle gain, boosted confidence.

               Most people probably don’t know that depression is something I’ve struggled with for about 13 years. I’ve had good days, bad days, and everything in between. I’ve been on almost every medication you can name at some point or another, but there is one medication that is FREE and has none of the negative side effects of most medicines, AND you don’t have to go to a doctor to obtain it.  Want to know what it is? Exercise. My motivation for going to the gym like I do is not all to lose weight, a great chunk of it is mental.

               Physical activity is proven to decrease the effects of depression, and will boost your moods. I didn’t really buy into this much until I started working out on a regular. I discovered that on days I didn’t go to the gym I was down in the dumps and it took a lot of effort to be “happy”, whereas if I went to the gym my spirits seemed lifted. When I start feeling really crappy or stressed I head to the gym. It releases endorphins which naturally make you happier. It also allows me to have a way to get out all my pent up anger or stress.  Last week was one of the most trying weeks I’ve had in a long time. My business, merged with another business. I felt like my world had been turned upside down, and I didn’t know what was going to happen to my future. All I wanted to do was curl up under my blankets and remain in my bed until it all blew over. Would that help the situation? No. And I knew that. I knew I needed to get up and get working, but how when I felt so bad? I did the only thing I know how to do anymore, since I don’t take medications, I went to the gym. I ended up running 3 miles that day, the most I’ve ever ran, but the anger and the stress pushed me to go harder, push my body to its limits.  During the time of this run my mind was clear. I didn’t think about the merger, I didn’t think about my stress. I just ran. I finished my run, exhausted but happy.  I collected my thoughts, organized them and realized it was going to be okay. I now had the energy to push through the rest of my day and get stuff done.

               I understand running is not for everyone, and trust me it’s not ALWAYS my go to, and before a year ago it would not have even crossed my mind. However, any form of physical activity can greatly help with you depression. Whether it be lifting weights (this is my 2^nd favorite, because I hulk out and \ push myself to my limit), walking, elliptical, doing a class. Whatever it may be if you are getting your blood pumping and your body moving, you are going to help with all that imbalance in your brain. I know it sounds crazy, and I know it can be hard to motivate yourself to get up and go get it, but I promise it works. Would you rather just medicate yourself and put chemicals in your body that you really don’t know what they are, or would you rather get your booty up and help reduce this problem naturally? I know my answer. Plus think of the benefits of working out. Not only is it going to help with your depression, stress, anxiety, etc, but it’s got great side effects. You might lose some weight, gain some muscle, build your confidence, and the list goes on. Does your Lexapro do that? No… That can make you gain weight, reduce your sex drive, and a list that goes on and on and on.

               I suppose the moral of this little rant here is to motivate you to get out and get moving.  You’re not the only one struggling through these issues, the difference is how we handle them. I promise if you push yourself you’ll see a difference in your mood. There’s plenty of days I don’t want go to the gym or workout, but once I do the high is incomparable to anything else. I stopped taking my medications and replaced them with extra gym time, I’ve never felt better a day in my life. I’m not suggesting you just stop your medication- obviously talk to you’re a doc about that- but I am saying at least get moving and you’ll notice a major difference in your mood and attitude. 

Give Time, Get Results

Happy New Year! I know now that the New Year is upon us many of you are looking to get fit. It’s a common resolution, and a very great one as well. The problem is most people won’t stick with their resolution. Many will work out in January, not see results in February and quit by March.  I really hope this isn’t you! I want to share a little story with you, to show you that it’s not instant. It’s not overnight. You may struggle for MONTHS, but if you keep at it, keep pushing, you’ll see results. Whether you are trying to lose weight, build endurance, or gain muscle.

               I started my fitness journey around December of 2013. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was about 315 lbs at the time… I started with a light 30 minute routine, some weights and cardio. Nothing too difficult, but it worked for me. I also made adjustments to my eating habits. This is HUGE. If you are working out every day but still eating Taco Bell every day, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SEE RESULTS…. I continued this routine for about 6 months.  At this point I was seeing results. I was trimming down, and my clothes were too big.  I added in 30 minutes of an Arc Trainer (this is a cardio machine with low impact) I really liked it, and loved that it was LIKE running, but wasn’t running. I hated running. 

               Last January I started training with my boyfriend. He informed me one day, “We’re going to start running.”   Uhhhhhggggg… Even though I’d been working out every day for a year I had yet to take my hand at running. Running is dumb. I never understood it. I thought it was boring. I didn’t enjoy it as a kid, I sure didn’t enjoy it as an adult. I felt like a failure, because I wheezed and couldn’t catch my breath. Why would I purposely do something I wasn’t good at???  I made all sorts of excuses. “My knees won’t take it.”  (I’d had knee surgery that summer). “My ankles.” You name it. I tried. But he held strong and forced me to run 20 minutes each day. I HATED IT…. In 20 minutes I struggled to run for more than 2-3 minutes straight. My lungs hurt. My legs hurt. My ego hurt. 20 minutes, barely ever hitting a mile.  What a punch to the pride. I wanted to quit so many times, but he wouldn’t let me.  I’m so glad he didn’t.

               After about a month it started to get easier. I would make little competitions for myself. I’d have to run for an entire song straight. Then 2 songs. I’d see how fast I could go. Suddenly a day came where I didn’t get to run for a few days.  I felt the weirdest feeling ever. I was sad. I WANTED to run. I’d realized it cleared my head. The ONLY thing I thought about when I ran was either how much I hated my life at that second, OR what little competition I could make for myself next. Either way I wasn’t thinking about life or anything going on outside of me in that moment. It was refreshing.

               In the last year I’ve started almost every single workout with a run. It’s become one of my FAVORITE things. If I know I can’t get a big workout in, but I can get a run in then I’ll do that. I worked every day to improve and get better. I’m not a marathon runner in a year, and I probably never will be. However; I am good enough for me, and I plan to continue to work at it and improve my distance and my time.. Remember when I was running for 20 minutes and not even making it a mile? Well here we are, 12 months and hundreds of runs later, I run a mile with ease and no stopping in about 12 minutes.  It’s not the fastest, and I don’t care, but it’s MY progress. Not only that but I can run 2 miles with ease! Yeah that’s right, 2 of em! I still take a few 30 seconds brisk walk rests, but I’m still doing it. My next goal is to master 3, and then do them all without stopping.

               What I’m trying to show you here is that you may hate it at first, but don’t quit. The only person you are cheating is yourself. It takes time and patience to get good at anything, but once you do it totally pays off. I feel so strong after I run. And there really is no better feeling than feeling strong.

An Ode to Butter

So creamy and so smooth.

Melt in your mouth, melt in your belly.

Flavor bursts in any form.

Oh Butter, a chef’s best friend.

A butt’s worst enemy.

Okay, so obviously I’m not much of a poet, but you get the point. Everybody LOVES butter, right? Well except me. Because I’m a hater.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the way butter tastes, I love the deliciousness it adds to food.  The creamy goodness to any dish. The nice crispness it adds to bread or croissants There is not denying it’s yummy…..

               So why do I hate butter, you may ask. Well it’s pointless. Butter serves no purpose in your diet except for taste, and has an extraordinary amount of calories. Did you know there are 100 calories per TABLESPOON of butter?! That’s 100 unnecessary calories added to your dish.  And that’s if you are stopping at 1 TBLS, which let’s face it we usually don’t stop at one. I really got to thinking about butter the other night as I was making Ramen noodles (don’t judge, I know I have no room to talk on quality of food with this, but I was in a moment of weakness). As I was making Ramen I got to thinking about how I used to just scoop a GIANT glob of butter into my noodles.  Now that I think about it, this amount was probably close to 3+TBLS. That means I was adding 300 unnecessary calories to my Ramen.. YUCK… For no real reason.

                Over the years I’ve tried really hard to focus on what purpose my calories serve and to make sure I’m removing those extra unnecessary calories. For the most part when a recipe calls for butter I half it, or totally remove it. I’ll admit some recipes its necessary, but I bet you won’t notice if you cut it in half. And many times if you remove it all together you really won’t notice.  Well you might, but after a few months you won’t! Haha.

               My favorite substitute for butter is Coconut oil.  Yes it still has calories, a Tablespoon of Coconut oil has about 100 calories as well; however unlike butter they are quality calories. This is where monitoring over counting is particularly important. We need calories, but they key is to make sure you are consuming calories which are benefiting your body. Coconut oil cooks fairly similar to butter and gives your food a nice sweetness- I love using it for Grilled cheese or to fry up eggs. A little goes a long way.

Why Coconut Oil?

• The fatty acids in Coconut oil (Medium-Chain Triglycerides- MCT’s)  are digested differently than regular fatty acids, and can be a great source of quick energy and help you burn more fat (Gunnar, 2013). Butter isn’t going to get you energy or burn your fat!!!
• MCT’s are also digested in a way which is known to have therapeutic effects on brain disorders such as epilepsy or Alzheimer’s (Gunnars, 2013).
• It can fight off infections, viruses and fungi! I won’t go too in depth into this because it’s all science-y and I don’t totally understand it, but I know its fact.  Basically it has been shown to kill bacteria and yeast infections!
• Coconut oil will actually help curb your appetite. Those who eat coconut oil actually consume less calories over the course of the day than those who do not (Gunnars, 2013). So you may consume 120 calories per TBLS but you’ll consume less unnecessary calories later- butter doesn’t do that.
• Did I mention it can help you lose fat?!  Coconut oil is great in reducing abdominal fat. It has been prevent that coconut oil can significantly help reduce BMI in both men and women (Gunnars, 2013). Eat and lose weight? Sign me up!

Seriously, I could go on for days about coconut oil, but that’s a different blog. This was an ode to butter not coconut oil! :P   If I haven’t changed your mind yet, then I probably never will. If you are serious about fighting flab, then doing this one little switch from butter to Coconut oil will be a breeze, and it’s totally worth it! I’m not asking you to eat Brussel sprouts or anything crazy. I’m saying replace one yummy item with an equally yummy but much more beneficial item!

 Reference:

Gunnars, K. (2013, July 8). 10 Proven Health Benefits of Coconut Oil (No. 3 is Best). Retrieved December 21, 2015, from http://authoritynutrition.com/top-10-evidence-based-health-benefits-of-coconut-oil/

The Dragon Inside

To describe depression or anxiety to someone who has never experienced it first hand is utterly impossible. 
There are no accurate words to explain these feelings. I’ve battled with depression and anxiety disorders for the better portion of the past 12 years.  At times I was incapacitated by these disorders and could barely function in the world. There were periods where I was so medicated I was no longer me anymore, but a zombified version of who I used to be.
 
I haven’t taken medication for about 5 years now. It got t the point where I was unrecognizable and I didn’t want that. I decided it was time to take charge and figure out a way to battle this on my own, without drugs.  It hasn’t always been easy, and it’s something I struggle with most days, but I’ve learned my triggers and I’ve learned how to cope and catch these episodes before they happen.  My best coping mechanism? Going to the gym. It truly has changed my life, not only physically but it has been so beneficial to my mental health as well.
 
I’ve recently felt myself spiraling into a state I haven’t been in for a long time. While explaining to my ever loving and caring boyfriend that I was struggling with a depressive episode and to be patient with me while I dealt with it, he asked me to explain what I was feeling.   He wanted to be able to understand what I was going through..  “I can’t.” I responded, because I truly don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. This got me thinking. How can I expect him to be patient and understanding of my situation, if he has no idea what I’m going through and I can’t even give him the slightest idea?
 

On the outside it may seem like everything is great. I smile and laugh. I muddle through work, school and social activities. I function seemingly well. Inside it feels as if there is a dragon living. The dragon couldn’t care less about anything, and wants to just spew fire at anyone who crosses her path.  She is angry, but has no idea why other than the fact that she’s a dragon and that is how she should feel.  She tries be happy, tries to control her fiery breath, but no matter what she does, she cannot change the way she feels. She feels helpless, because no matter what she does, what she tries she can’t change who she is. She can’t function the way society needs her to. She can’t please those she wants to please, including herself.  No matter what she does it just doesn’t seem to be enough, more and more things pile up, things go wrong. It’s as if the dragon is trying to climb out of the abyss she resides in, but the walls are slippery. Each time she makes any sort of progress she slides right back down. Getting close, but never quite making it out.  She hurts inside, because nobody can quite grasp what she is going through.  They say it will be okay, and to keep trying because it will be worth it, but they don’t understand the pain and hardship she is going through.  She wants to quit. There is no purpose in trying. She isn’t making any progress, the pain is getting to be too much. It doesn’t seem worth it. It constantly feels like her chest is going to explode. She is  hesitant to do anything  or talk to anyone because the smallest thing will trigger a flood of tears for no apparent reason.  She wants to be left alone, but yet she’s terrified of being alone and needs contact from other dragons to keep her feeling “human”- well dragon.   At the same time all of these emotions are adding up she is so empty, she can’t muscle up the strength to care about anything anymore. Things just don’t matter. She finds herself staring into space blankly. Just physically being in the moment, but she’s mentally checked out.  But then she gets nervous. Things need to go smoothly. They need to operate in a certain manner, and she’s the only one that can make sure this happens, if she doesn’t get out of the abyss then bad things will happen. Her heart is racing, her mind is conflicted, leaping from thought to thought.  She needs to get her life together. She needs to get out of the abyss, stop being down and move forward. It shouldn’t be hard. She just has to change the way she thinks, be positive, do positive things.  But it is hard. It’s harder than anything she’s ever done. If she can’t control her own thoughts and feelings, how can she achieve anything?  Fear sets in. A terrifying, bone chilling fear. If she doesn’t fix her mind, fix her moods she’s going to lose everything and everyone that means anything. She’s going to self-sabotage and ruin her own life, over something she SHOULD be able to control.  This cycle continues day in and day out.
 
So I suppose, depression and anxiety, at least for me, is a lot like being this dragon. Or at least having the dragon live inside of me, her emotions emitting through me.  It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's nothing you should have to hide . It happens, and it's not always within your control. Although people who have never experienced it may not fully understand,  most who care will at least try. It's okay to talk about it, to own it. The more you can own it the more you will have control over it.

Things they don't tell you about weight loss: Skin

The more weight I lose the more skin I gain. It’s like a never ending battle. I’d rather have all the extra skin over the fat any day. Unfortunately loose skin is one of those negative things that come along with weight loss that most people don’t mention. It’ the unglamorous saggy side of fixing your body and getting into shape. No matter how many crunches, bicep curls, or any workout you can think of the loose skin will always win. You may be able to tone it up a bit on your own, and depending on the amount of weight lost it may not be as significant. For me it’s something I’ve learned to live with, and continue to learn to live with.

 

The best way to think about how this loose skin occurs is if you think of your skin as a rubber band. It will stretch and stretch and stretch, but once you stop stretching it, it’s difficult for it to regain its exact original shape. This is how your skin reacts with significant weight loss. I stretched my skin out to 315 lbs, now 93lbs later, my loose skin is a reminder of where I’ve been, and how far I’ve come.

 

I’m not shy about my skin, it’s a part of who I am. Am I ready to post it for the world to see? Naw. Not yet. With time I will. At least I can talk about it though.  With those close to me I am open about it, and freely joke about it. I’m not embarrassed by it. I’m not ashamed it’s there. It just is. I’ve never really given surgery much of a thought. I mean, I know it’s an option, but is it worth it? It seems as though many close to me have it on their minds, and have asked me if it’s something I’d consider. I really don’t know. I mean, it’d be nice to actually have a flat stomach with all the work I’ve put in, or to be able to see the definition in my arms instead of the skin. But all that money!!! And for what?  To remove the footprints of my hard work and dedication? To have the body society says I should have? I just don’t know that I can justify it. I suppose until I  am convinced this is necessary I will just continue to wear some good toning clothing, to squish that stuff where it belongs. 

Lemon Lemon Lemonade

It's that time of year! Summer! Time for sun and sweet delicious refreshing beverages. My favorite summertime drink is ice cold lemonade. There is one big problem, I can't sip on lemonade all day  because most of what you buy at the store is filled with sugar, artificial flavors and colors, and who knows what. Did I mention all the empty calories?! UGH.

Luckily I made this argument the other night and my knight in shining armor came to my rescue with the most delicious, refreshing, healthy lemonade I have ever drank in my life. I carried a jug of this stuff around with me last weekend and everyone I let try it just stared in awe and requested the recipe.  I promise you, if you love lemonade you'll love this.

The measurements are not quite spot on, because we do a lot of "eye-ball" measuring around here, so these are the best estimates. Feel free to add or lessen ingredients to your preference. I like my lemonade very lemon-y and sour.

Ingredients:
3/4 Gallon of water
About 1and 1/2 cup of Lemon Juice (I buy the jar)
1 Cucumber
1/2 cup of Honey.

Cut up the cucumber and add it to the water, add all other ingredients. Shake it al up (I suggest buying water in the gallon jugs, it makes this part easy). I suggest to put in the fridge over night because it really allows the flavors to POP. You can also add real lemons if you choose.  I just haven't had any on hand.

Sip and Enjoy. Ahhh. So refreshing and still so good for you!