Mind over Matter

                I’m going to apologize in advance for the potential ramblings that may occur in the following paragraphs.  I essentially have two ways to release my stress, one is writing. The other is going to the gym, which has recently become a part of my frustration. Therefore, I suppose I’ll write about it.  

                For the past few months I have been dealing with crippling headaches, that have made it very difficult for me to function on a daily basis. I almost constantly feel like my skull is going to crack open and my brains are going to gush all over the room. I’ll spare you the gritty details. After several months of painful headaches, numbness and tingling in face, random drooping of my right eye, and persistent urging by friends I decided to visit my doctor. In December it was determined that I have what it called a Chiari Malformation. Essentially my cerebellum is protruding down into my spinal canal, which causes pressure in my brain and can cause issues with the flow of the cerebrospinal fluid. Science stuff.  I’m currently waiting to go visit the neurosurgeon in March to see what our next steps our going to be, the way it looks surgery is going the be the course of action.

Here is a "normal" Brain.

These are 2 images of my brain. Sweet, right?  As you can see my cerebellum hangs different than in the "normal" picture above.

   

       As you all know the gym is kind of where I spend most of my days. It’s where I get out my frustrations, like when my life feels out of control, or that I have a medical condition and I am stressed about managing it, and time, and medical bills, and well I think you get the picture. I get stressed I run. Easy. Except now when I run I have been feeling like the base of my head is literally on fire, flames shooting out of my skull on fire.  I imagine if the feeling were actually a visual it would be very Hunger Games like, but luckily Katniss never got burned by her outfits. A typical workout for me would be starting my routine with a 1-2 mile run, no

problem.  In the last few weeks, if I’ve even made it to the gym (this hurts me so much inside I can’t even explain), a mile is a struggle. I find myself choking back the tears, because I know that this shouldn’t be hard. I know that I should be able to do this. The two other things I love about working out are Barre and lifting. I have had to cut down a great deal on my upper body lifting due to the strain creates. I’ve basically lowered all of my weights significantly and had to cut out entire routines.  The past few weeks my balance has been really off, which is a challenge for barre and I’ve been finding myself more and more light headed with certain movements. 

                I just feel like I have taken 20 steps backwards and it hurts so deep inside. I was finally at a place physically where I felt comfortable. I know I will never be the most athletic or fit person at the gym. That’s okay. I was finally content with where I was at and ready to push myself even further. So to feel like I’m basically back to square one is crushing.  There are days I don’t want to go to the gym because I know I’m going to be in pain for the rest of the day, and not the good kind of gym pain that I thrive on. That literally eats at my soul.  I have to decide if going to the gym one day is going to be worth not being able to work the rest of that day, some days it is. Some days it’s not because instead of getting that mental high from it, I end up more mentally torn down that if I’d just stayed home.

                I suppose it’s about finding balance. Listening to my body when it tells me it’s too much. Not letting my negative thoughts take over when I can’t do what I could.  I’ll be trying new routines in the coming weeks to see what works, and what doesn’t, maybe I’ll find something else I can love that doesn’t make me so miserable right now. I’ll be back to where I was. I know that much for sure. I guess this is just a test of my motivation and my dedication.  Bring it on life.